YOU GET THAT FROM MY HANDWRITING?

"Where's Kak Lina ni..." I whispered to myself. We just finished a meeting and had some discussion with the clients at their office in Putrajaya. I was dealing with Norlia (bukan nama sebenar), while Kak Lina was settling some other problems with...errr... Sapiah (bukan nama sebenar).

Suddenly I saw Kak Lina. "Hanis, we can't go just yet. I have to simplify these letters. Just need to write it down, no need to reprint. Can you help me?" she asked.

Me being the ultimate helper *cough* suck up, immediately said "YES!". Then I saw the amount of papers. Oooook..... Nak lari pun dah terlambat, so I sat down, looking at the points we needed to write on those letters.

As I was writing, I thought wow.. I haven't been writing in a while! It felt awkward, actually. And my handwriting is getting unbelievably hideous. Hideous pun tak hideous macam handwriting aku. That's how hideous my handwriting is.

While I was busy finishing my third letter, suddenly Kak Lina looked at a letter that I've written and said, "You are very close to people."

I stopped writing, looked at Kak Lina and said, "What??"

"Ni ha, your handwriting ni.. it says you're close to people. Your handwriting says a lot about you, you know. So does your signature."

"Really? You can analyse handwritings and signatures?? That is so cool!"

She nodded. "Yup, my dad used to have this book about handwriting and how to "read" it," then she looked at the letter again, continued to analyse.


"You are not very open-minded..."
"Yup, true... on certain things..."

"You are shy..."
"YES I am. But not shy enough to be running into the glass wall at client's office in a foreign country..."

"You are optimistic..."
"I do think I will marry Ryan Gosling..."

"You are secretive. You don't show who you really are. THIS (while pointing her finger at me) is all staged!"
I looked at her with narrowed eyes and said, "No I am not! I'm very transparent! What you see is who I really am!"
"Are you sure??" she asked sambil senyum-senyum kambing.
"Yeeee...s!! Wait. I do have a secret... I used to have this one bantal busuk." OH.MY.GOD. Did I just voluntarily give up my own secret?! Nice work, Anis. Great.

"Ok enough analysing my handwriting," I said, trying to change the topic. I wouldn't wanna talk about my bantal busuk, the story is just too tragic and sad.

"Let me analyse YOUR handwriting," I said while taking Kak Lina's letter.

Then I started analysing it like a real pro.
Her handwriting is cursive, big, takes a lot of space, has a lot of curves. Then I looked at her and told her my analysis.

"Your handwriting says that you sometimes don't understand your own handwriting and need to borrow someone else's notebook in order to write a contact report."

After digesting my analysis, Kak Lina looked at me as if she was about to smack the wax out of my ear.
But then, she paused, and said, "True."

See! I don't need a book to help me analyse. Pro. PRO siot!
Come, let me analyse YOUR handwriting.

WHEN ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER

Ada suatu ketika ni, surau dekat building office aku black out. Surau tu kat basement, so bila black out memang BLACK la. Satu apapun tak nampak. It had been blacked-out for like 2-3 days in a row. And everytime aku dah turun nak solat baru teringat yang surau tengah mengalami musim black out. I was like, shoot! I had to cross over the road to solat at this one neighbourhood surau nearby the office.

So pada suatu hari ni, I decided to be proactive. Aku nak jugak solat kat surau basement tu. So, I went to 7-Eleven to see what I can use to light up the surau.

The first thing aku cari masa masuk 7-E tu of course la lilin. Jalan punya jalan, aha! LILIN CAP LIGHT HOUSE. Cantik! Aku pun dengan pantas merabut lilin tersebut sebelum orang lain yang mengalami musim black out amik.

Masa dok berjalan nak pi bayaq, aku terpikiaq. "Macamana aku nak bagi lilin ni berdiri elok-elok? Takkan nak boh ataih tapak tangan aku kot? Mau menyambaq pulak kat telekung aku, tebakaq. Memang cerah betoi surau tu nanti. Aku ja la nanti hanguih gelap teruk."

Jadi aku pun pi la cari apa-apa yang boleh lapik lilin tu...

Ok find something...hard and has a flat surface. Twisties? Nah... Sneakers? Nah... Kuaci? Gila apa!
Time to move on to another aisle. I looked at my watch - 3.00pm. Hurry, Anis you're running out of time!

Then I saw something. Something with a flat surface, something hard. Something that would be able to make the lilin berdiri seperti sebuah light house. (Hey is that why they name it LIGHT HOUSE??)

Ok, back to the story.

That something was a PEANUT BUTTER! A small Lady's Choice peanut butter. Boleh aku letak lilin ataih tu. And they had my favourite flavour! It was like killing two birds with one stone. OMG I'm a genius!
I picked it, and headed to the counter. Then something hit me. "Takkan aku nak ratah ja peanut butter ni lepaih ni? Kembang tengkok aku aih."

"Kejap eh dik," aku kata kat cashier 7-E tu and terus pi amik the first thing that came across my mind - roti Gardenia.
Masa nak bayaq tu, ternampak pulak pisang kat counter tu. Satu seringgit. Sedap pulak nampak. Then I thought, I should really reward myself for being proactive. Lalu aku pun beli la pisang tu.

Ok, great! I have all the things that I needed. Aku dengan excited dan berbangga dengan diri sendirinya berjalan laju menuju ke surau basement.

Keluaq-keluaq ja dari lif, aku belok ke kanan towards the surau.
Dan aku mendapati bahawasanya.... SURAU DAH ADA LETRIK.

Inilah dia barisan-barisan pelakon drama pendek "Aku, Lilin Cap Light House, Peanut Butter dan Roti".
- The End -

AKU DAN BANJIR

It has been raining very heavily these days, kan? Biasa la hujung-hujung tahun ni. Aku kan, if hujan lebat ja, aku mesti teringat kampung halaman aku yang tercinta - Dhoby Ghaut.

Dhoby Ghaut tu, kalau hujan lebat non-stop sejam pun ayaq dah boleh naik sampai takat lutut. Kalau 2 jam kira boleh hapuih kepala. Tapi kepala budak 3 tahun la.

So there was this one time, hujan turun tak benti everyday, and naik ayaq bah berkali-kali but tak sampai masuk dalam rumah kami la. Alhamdulillah sebab tanah rumah mak tok agak tinggi compared dengan rumah lain kat kampung tu. Kalau banjir yang besaq ja baru masuk rumah kami. So most of the time kami dapat tidoq dengan nyenyak tanpa rasa risau.

Mak tok and tok ayah tidoq kat bawah sebab senang nak pi toilet semua. Mak tok tidoq ataih katil kat dapoq and tok ayah loved to sleep on a mattress on the hall floor. Dia dok kuat lagi masa tu. He was still working, if I'm not mistaken.

Mai satu malam ni, aku dikejutkan dengan jeritan batin mak tok dari bawah, "Anis!! Bangun ni ayaq masuk rumah dh!"
It was 3am. Aku pun bangun seketoi sampai saket kepala semua. Lari turun bawah, tengok-tengok ayaq dah paras ataih buku lali. Uh oh!

"La.. bila ayaq masuk ni mak tok??" aku tanya sambil cepat-cepat ubah kaset-kaset Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, N'SYNC, album first Siti Nurhaliza aku kat ataih meja kat dapoq tu.

"Yang tu yang hang kalut sangat nak angkat. Semua kaset tu pulak dah tenggelam dalam ayaq! Tu pi angkat kerusi-kerusi kat hall tu!" mak tok nampak semput dengan perangai kebudak-budakan aku masa tu.

Aku kalih kat tok ayah, "Tok ayah, macamana boleh sedaq masuk ayaq ni?"

"Tok ayah dok tidoq, lepaih tu rasa lagu basah. Bangun-bangun dok ada dalam ayaq," tok ayah jawab dengan muka cool.

Tudia tok ayah aku terendam dalam ayaq! Ayaq habih masuk dalam telinga tu la kot sampai lani sound rosak sket. Tapi takpa, tok ayah tetap handsome dan menjadi pujaan hatiku.

Kami pun kelam kabut la angkat segala barang yang ataih lantai tu.
Lepaih dah settle semua, we lepak upstairs sampai la pagi.. Yang paaaaling aku ingat and yang paaaaling best masa naik ayaq bah apa tau? AJK MASJID SHEIKH YUSOFF distribute nasik kandaq dengan kopi 'o' naik sampan! SAMPAN siot! Masa tu dapat nasik kandaq macam menang iPad 2 punya seronok. Hujan-hujan pulak tu. It was the best feeling.

"Anis, pi cuci buang selut-selut kat bawah tu," mak tok memberi arahan.

So aku pun turun la cuci selut. I started in the house first, cause it was the trickiest part. Kalau biaq lama nanti susah nak tanggai selut tu, lepaih tu nanti berhabuk bila lantai kering. (tudia aku boleh bukak business cuci selut dah lepaih ni)

Tiba-tiba aku dengaq riuh sangat kat luaq rumah. So aku pun tinggai sat keja aku and went outside to see what was going on. I went out and saw Mak Ruby (she's my aunt who lives beside our house), her sons Abg Ril and Abg Bob, my neighbour Mak Cik Lijah and her grandson Muhammad who was about 8 years old at that time.

Masa tu ayaq kat laman rumah aku boleh dikatakan tinggi lagi. So Abg Ril and Abg Bob pun amik kesempatan buat depan rumah kami tu macam swimming pool. They were still young masa tu, sekolah lagi rasanya. Tak pun early 20s.

"Ni Muhammad, apa rah tak mandi. Syok ni ayaq sejuk! Mai la terjun! Ingat selalu ka ayaq naik tinggi lagu ni?" Abg Ril dok cucuk Muhammad join depa.

Aku kalih tengok Muhammad. Memang muka gian gila nak mandi ayaq bah.

Dia kalih tengok tok dia, "Nanima (tok), nak mandi.."

"HANG BERANI KALAU HANG TURUN AKU NAK TENGOK! BERANI TURUN! AKU NANTI PULAIH TELINGA HANG SAMPAI TERKELUAQ! HAAAA TURUN! BERANI HANG TURUN!!" Mak Cik Lijah bagi warning beik punya kat cucu dia. Lagu ni AKU pun tak berani nak mandi ayaq bah. Silap-silap Mak Ruby pun sama takot. Lepaih tu we heard Mak Cik Lijah's daughter calling her from her house. So she left.

Muhammad tengok Abg Ril dengan Abg Bob balik.
"Rugi laaa, rugi! Ayaq dok dalam lagi boleh berenang, boleh selam apa semua tak mau masuk," Abg Bob pulak perangat dia. It must've been like a live or death kinda thing to Muhammad.

Disebabkan godaan Abg Ril and Abg Bob tu terlalu kuat dan sukar nak ditepis, akhirnya Muhammad pun terjun dengan jayanya ke dalam ayaq bah...

"Tudia mampuih dia sat lagi nanima dia mai!" Mak Ruby kata sambil tergelak.

This was getting interesting. I wanted to know how this ends, so I took a seat.

Mak Cik Lijah came back and saw Muhammad "snorkeling" in the flood. I thought I could see her taking a very deep breath before saying "HA HANG DUDUK, HANG DUDUK DALAM TU SAMPAI ESOK! AYAQ SURUT PUN HANG JANGAN DOK NEIK! BERANI KALAU HANG NEIK! AKU NANTI RIMBOK HANG TERUUUUK NANTI! HANG DUDUK DALAM TU!!"

Aku dengan Mak Ruby punya la gelak sampai keluaq ayaq mata.
I know Mak Cik Lijah was so upset but I just couldn't hold it. It was just too damn funny. "Habih la hang Muhammad.. hahahahah... macamana nak balik rumah.. Kak Anis tak tau la... hahahahah." aku pulak usik Muhammad.

Tiba-tiba kedengaran suara yang 10x hebat, 10x kuat daripada suara Mak Cik Lijah
"AMBOI ANIS HANG PI MANA TINGGAI HABIH SEGALA MOP, PENYODOK APA SEMUA KAT BAWAH NI BUAT KEJA LAGU MANA NI TINGGAI SEKERAT JALAN AKU CUKUP-CUKUP PANTANG BUAT KEJA TAK PERABIH NI TAK MENYEKOH NAK BUAT APAPUN NINDIA HABIH SELUT SEMUA KERING HANG PI MANA NAK MAMPUIH SANGAT DAH NI ANIS OI!!!!"

SKETCHES OF MY TEENAGE LIFE

"Apa yang hang kelam kabut sangat tu Anis?" mak tok tanya lepaih dia tengok aku dok buat ramai kat dapoq.

"Ni dok buat kopi ni ha. Nak cepat sebab ada keja," aku jawab sambil tuang ayaq yang panaih menggelegak tu.
Lepaih dah rasa manis, pahit, tawaq hebiaq kopi tu, aku kelam kabut pulak ke atas, ke bilik aku.

POM POM POM POM! Bunyi kaki aku lari naik tangga. Rumah kayu la katakan.

"AMBOI TAK LAMA NANTI REBAN RUMAH AKU!" kedengaran mak tok menjerkah aku dari belakang.
Ops. Sorry mak tok. Couldn't control the excitement.

I quickly went into my room. And there they were... my sketch book, a few pencils, an eraser and a picture of a celebrity I was having a crush on at that moment.

Yes, drawing potraits used to be my favourite past time. Bila diingatkan, aku melukis lebih daripada aku belajaq dulu. Kalau tak mesti lani aku dah jadi doktor (ayam).

Aku suka lukis muka-muka artis Hollywood sebab orang senang nak recognise. Kalau aku lukis muka Tok Mami ka, Aci Ton yang dok belakang rumah mak tok aku tu, rasanya mak tok aku sorang ja la yang kenai.

I used to draw late at night, when it was quiet and peaceful. I would listen to my walkman (walkman, siot!!), and put on some good music (the definition of "good music" at that time was Spice Girls, 911, Backstreet Boys and Siti Nurhaliza's second album. Kantoiiiii)

So I just wanna share with you guys my collections. Dated waaaaayyyyy back in 2000 and 2001.

Ada suatu ketika ni aku minat gila dengan Britney Spears.
Lani dah macam tak dak pedoman dah aku tengok Britney Spears ni.

Mariah Carey.
I saw her picture and thought her hair looked great. So I drew her.

I love the shirt and her hair. This is Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Awww.. Jen and Brad back when they were happy together.
I used to draw Jennifer Aniston A LOT. She has amazing hair.

Jennifer Aniston....

Jennifer Aniston...

....and there she is again. I told you I drew her a lot!

This is one of my favourites. She is also my favourite Hollywood actress, Julia Robers.
I saw her and I couldn't resist. I could hear her hair calling me, "Draw me, Anis.. draw me." Well that was kinda creepy.

Oh boy. Ok, N'SYNC was a big hit back then and I fell in love with Justin Timberlake.
So ada suatu ketika ni, tangan aku asyik la rasa tegeliat. Sebab apa? Sebab dok lukih rambut deni RAH!


Tengok punya banyak. Macamana tak tergeliat tangan aku?!

Ok next selebriti ni... nak kata aku suka kat dia, tak dak la sangat. Ok je la. Tapi ada jugak la lukis muka dia, tapi tak dak la banyak sangat. Sikit je, tak banyak. Sikit. Sikit sangat.
Siti Nurhaliza!

Lagi satu Siti...

.....Siti lagi...

....and here she is again....hmmm...

errr....and again...

....and Siti last punya!
What? I really like her? No lah! Mana ada banyak lukis gambar dia.. tak banyak ni.. *nervous sweat*

Oh yes, I remember this. This is my masterpiece back then. I was (and still am) a big big fan of The Lord of The Rings, and as innocent as a teenager, I was in love with Legolas.

Sepanjang dok lukis ni, ada la berenti 20 kali dok rasa macam dia dok renung muka aku. Oh Legolas!

Anyway, I was planning to draw each of the character in LOTR. You know, Gandalf, Aragon etc. Lani bukan takat Gandalf, Gurkha pun belum tentu dapat lukis.

Tapi, dalam banyak-banyak potret yang aku lukis, yang bawah ni paling best:

Kenai tak?? Mesti la hangpa tak kenai, ni KOMANDER aku masa Diploma kat Arau Perlis dulu!!
Memang stalker sejati aku nih.

Terasa nak buat TEPUK TEPUK KOMANDO!

AUUUUUMMMMM!!!

I was driving at 100km/h from Section 9 to Section 7. I stopped by kedai koyok (fyi kedai ni dinamakan kedai koyok sebab pada suatu hari si abg cashier kat situ pakai koyok belambak gila kat muka dia. silap besaq la nampak kat aku). Anyway, singgah kedai koyok beli air mineral. Masuk keluaq kedai macam penyamun punya cepat. Aku cepat-cepat park kereta, brought the mineral water and ran to my house.

As soon as I went into the house, I looked at the watch. 8.15pm. Ok I better hurry! So I went into the bathroom, mandi lebih kurang, keluaq mengadap TV.

Yes, it was the SEA Games. Malaysia VS Indonesia was about to start in a few minutes.
Aku beli nasik beriyani kambing and kebab for Ijah. I brought the food, sat excitedly in front of the TV and called my best friend, Ijah, "Ijah cepat oi nak start dah!"

Ijah came out with a novel in her hand.
For the record, I salute Ijah for her skill of doing two things at a time. Remember the giving direction and telling Tamil story incident? (Refer to my entry "KIRI! KANAN! TERUIH!) Tonight it was watching football and reading novel. The best part is, these things have NOTHING in common at all. It's like water and oil. Again, I salute you Ijah - TERUIH!

Back to the story. So kami pun duduk la depan TV tu. Baru aku nak suap nasik, Indon dah bagi satu gol! Masa tu rasa macam nak lempaq nasik dengan kambing tu kat TV tu ada jugak. Tapi I said to myself, takpa, banyak masa lagi. Lagipun, sat lagi aku jugak yang nak kena sapu simpan nasik yang aku lempaq tu. So takpa, sabaq. Makan dulu.

Setelah lama menunggu, Malaysia tak bagi gol lagi.

Aku tengok Ijah sambil kata, "Haish Ijah! Panaih aih aku tengok game nih!"

Ijah jawab, "Sabaq, Anis, sabaq. Lambat lagi nak habih ni."

Aku balaih, "Tak, aku panaih sebab makan kambing ni."

Then I noticed Ijah gave me this aku-rasa-nak-cekik-budak-sekoq-ni-rah look. I ignored it, and kept watching the game.

After a few attempts, there was still no goal from Harimau Muda.
And there I was, sitting there soaking my hands in the rice. I refused to wash it because I didn't wanna miss the goal. Tapi aku dah give up menunggu. Basuh ja rah! Dok buat macam dapoq umah aku besaq padang bola. Padang guli pn tak sampai.

Lepas aku basuh tangan dengan pinggan makan aku, aku cepat-cepat dok depan TV balik.
Ijah masih kusyuk baca novel. Sesekali bila aku menjerit masa Malaysia or Indon attempt nak score goal, baru dia tengok sambil menjerit sekali.

Then, something amazing happened. Malaysia scored a goal. Indon 1 and Malaysia 1. Yahoooo!! Aku dengan Ijah lari keliling hall, imagining ourselves at the stadium. We could hear the entire neighbourhood cheered as well. It was amazing.

Then we went back to the game, hoping that Malaysia would score again.
Indon was desperate to score another goal, but Malaysia's defense was undefeatable. Then suddenly, Indon scored a goal! I was frustrated that I looked at Ijah and said, "Aku nak masuk tidoq rah!"

Ijah tak tau nak kata apa. I could see the frustration in her eyes, but I wasn't sure whether it was caused by the Indon goal or that novel she was reading.

Then suddenly, a miracle happened! The linesman confirmed that it was offside. The goal didn't count! Wohooo!!! Happynya aku masa tu, tahap rasa nak buat kenduri doa selamat punya.

Aku nampak Ijah macam blur sket. She opened her mouth and said, "Offside tu apa?"
Isk deni.. buat malu ja. OFFSIDE pn tak tau?! Bila aku nak explain kat dia, baru aku sedaq yang aku pun tak berapa sure OFFSIDE ni apa sebenaqnya. Argh! Baru ja hari tu adik aku Ake (masih single, handsome banget tengok la kakak dia) explain kat aku OFFSIDE tu apa! I knew I should've wrote it down somewhere!

"Tak pa la Ijah. Aku explain pun hang nanti pening nanti," aku bagi jawapan cover kat Ijah.

Then we waited and watched and waited for another goal from Harimau Muda.
Sepanjang game tu, ni adalah antara ayat-ayat yang dok keluaq:

"Aku rasa bersalah nak sebut nama Fakri ni."

"Si Thamil ni dok ingat dia belakon dalam cerita Tamil ka?!!"

"Khairul Fahmi dok tangkap bola tu mcm dia tangkap aku!"

"Si Bonai ni dok jampi serapah apa kat goal ni panggei jin ka?!!"

"Ala bola kena jaring pulak! Yang gol Indon ni nak kena ada jaring buat apa?! Tiang aja tak boleh ka?!"

90+ minutes and masa tambahan pun dah habis. Still no goal from either side.
Yup, masa yang dinanti-nanti dah tiba. Penalty.

Ijah and I were standing the whole time during the penalty kick.
I can't imagine how the coach was feeling at that moment. Lutut aku dok belaga dah punya la ketaq. Nak amik result SPM pun tak macam ni dulu aih punya terok. Intense gila siot!

Lepaih hang tendang pi aku tendang mai, tiba la tendangan penentu samada Malaysia menang atau tak.

Baddrol, the team's captain, moved forward. Make this count, please!
He kicked the ball and ""GGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ijah and I were running around the hall again, cheering, expressing our happiness.
Not long after that, fireworks started to fill the dark sky to celebrate Malaysia's victory. It was so beautiful.

It was an awesome game. It was even more awesome because my best friend was there with me, laughing, and yelling and getting angry at Indon players (sometimes the referee and linesmen) for no valid reason. It was truly a memorable and special night.

And to Harimau Muda, well done.

Well done for not giving up easily.
Well done for a game well played.
Well done for winning the gold medal.
And most importantly, well done for making us see how different races, religions and cultures come together for one thing we all love - MALAYSIA.

AUUUUMMMMMM!!!

Harimau Muda team.
How old is Baddrol, by the way? (Jenoh Ijah nanti GAVISCON dengan aku)

Kami anak MALAYSIA! *sniff*

KIRI! KANAN! TERUIH!

Minggu lepaih, aku balik Penang sebab nak attend a few weddings (dua ja sebenarnya). Aku stay kat rumah Ijah, my best friend of 17 years (and counting). One of the weddings yang aku nak attend was Azy's cousin's wedding. Ijah was invited too.

So petang Sabtu tu, aku dan Ijah pun bertolak la ke Bukit Mertajam, where the wedding was held. Aku tak tau jalan, tak berapa terer sangat kat belah sana. So aku tengok Ijah yang dok duduk dengan ayu dan mulut merahnya di sebelah aku.

"Hang tau ka jalan ni?" aku tanya, menggerakkan bibir yang tak semerah Ijah itu.

Ijah amik wedding card tu, pastu studied the map. "Tau."

Fuh.. Lega aku dengaq. "Ok, hang tunjuk jalan la na.."

We went through quiet roads, where there was paddy field and all.

Aku dah mula risau. Ni semua disebabkan oleh insiden PEKAN LAMA BANGI. Masa tu aku dan Azy nak hantaq Ijah balik ke tempat kursus dia somewhere in Bangi. Aku dan Azy sah-sah tak tau jalan, so memang bergantung kat Ijah to lead us there. It was late at night. And it was dark. Bila aku tanya ja Ijah, jawapan dia "Straight ja. Aku tau jalan ni. Aku penah lalu." Sekali tudia! Sampai PEKAN LAMA BANGI.

So kali ni aku risau sesat ke Bukit Kayu Hitam pulak. Kat jalan tu dok nampak bukit dah ni. Kayu pun banyak jugak.

Jadi, aku pun tanya Ijah balik, just to be sure. "Ijah, kita kat mana dalam map ni?" sambil pegang kad kawen sepupu Azy tu.

"Kita takdak dalam map." Ijah jawab. Ha sudah. Memang ke Bukit Kayu Hitam la ni. Kalau tau bawak duit banyak sikit, boleh jugak shopping. "Aku bawak hang jalan short cut RAH." Dia sambung sambil tersenyum sinis, lepaih tengok aku gelabah kot. Senyum nak tunjuk mulut merah la tu.

"Ohh... ok ok."

Tiba-tiba, Ijah bukak cerita "Weh, hang tau dak, aku tengok cita Tamil ni hari tu..." Dia ni memang layan cerita Tamil. Aku, cerita Tamil, layan tengok Paddiyappa ja.

"Ha apa dia?" aku pun nak dengaq dengan excitednya. "Weih ni kot mana ni?" aku tanya Ijah bila kami sampai di satu simpang.

Ijah jawab, "Kiri. Ni, aku nak cerita kat hang. Hang tau tak, cerita Tamil ni kan. Hero dia saja trick pompuan tu kata tak mau kawen dengan pompuan tu. Dia tinggai pompuan tu macam tu ja. Habih tu pompuan tu bengang la... KANAN!"

Aku pun pusing ke kanan dalam keadaaan terketaq-ketaq dan tak sempat nak bagi signal.

"Tak lama lepaih dia tinggai pompuan tu, dia ajak pompuan tu jumpa balik kat ataih puncak bukit... TERUIH!"

Aku pun drive straight kat traffic light tu.

"Dia jumpa pompuan tu, dia kata kat pompuan tu 'I love you', pompuan tu bagi dia penampaq, dia kata lagi 'I love you', pompuan tu tampaq lagi dia - KIRI!"

Aku pun kelam kabut kona kiri masuk pekan kecik kat situ. Macam nak terbalik keta aku.

Tak lama lepaih tu, akhirnya sampai kami kat rumah kenduri tu. Alhamdulillah...

Mana dengan nak bercerita, mana dengan nak bagi direction. Hang bagi bercantum na, Ijah?
Nasib baik aku kenai hang lama, Ijah oi...

WHEN ANIS GOES TO VIETNAM

It was Nov 1st, 4.30pm. I was running like a headless chicken in the office when I saw Kak Lina came back from her meeting with the client. She looked like...how do I express this in writing...erm...oh! She looked like someone just told her that Chuck Norris was gay.

She put down her laptop, looked at me (still the same look), and asked, "How's your schedule in the next 3 days?"

"I'll be busy with FAs. Sorry, no. Let me rephrase myself. I'll be busy with A LOT of FAs. Why?" I asked back and wondering whether Chuck Norris was really gay.

"You have to go to Vietnam tomorrow."

"WHAT?! I have to go to Vietnam?!"

"Yes," she answered, still maintaining the same look and expression. Wow she's good at this!

"Vietnam the country, Vietnam?" I said. Well it doesn't hurt to double confirm, right?

"Yes, Hanis."

"Tomorrow? What time?"

"Your flight will be at 6am."

"WHAT?!!!!"

So yeah, a bomb dropped on my head that day. It was so last minute that I didn't have the time to exchange money, or prepare a proper handover to my bosses.

But despite the rush, I was excited.
This was my first time going to Vietnam and I was actually looking forward to it.

When we arrived in Vietnam, the first place we went was client's new office in Hanoi, which will be launched by the Minister of Tourism in a few days. It was a nice, clean, and cozy office. After our erm.. briefing session i.e. a reminder session that we were there to work, not makan angin, we had lunch and headed to our hotel.

We were staying at this nice hotel which name I can't remember. But what I remember is that the room was super cute, cozy and the bed...let's say you'll be struggling with yourself to get out of it. I was sharing the room with my boss, Puilin.

I was admiring the bed when I heard Puilin called me, "Hanis. Look."

I turned around and saw her pointing at the bathroom. It was all glass wall. I mean you can see the shower from your bed, man! Ni honeymoon room ke apa nih?! I thought to myself. Isk... macamana aku nak bermandi-manda nih? Takkan tak mandi kot?!

"It's ok.. they have blinds!" Puilin said while pulling down the blinds. Oh thank God! However, it didn't cover the whole glass wall. Still boleh nampak di celah-celah blinds tu. Erkk.

I looked at Puilin again, "Puilin, I'm not rich. I don't have money..."

Puilin looked confused. And a little concerned, actually.

Then I continued, "... there's no use if you record a video or snap a picture of me showering and threaten me to give you money otherwise you'll upload it on YouTube or something."

She looked at me and said, "Don't worry, Hanis. Whatever you have, I have too."

After confirming that she wouldn't do anything, aku pun mandi dengan penuh berhati-hati. Then both of us bersiap and headed back to client's office to work.

Our working station was in this nice meeting room. It has two doors, separated by a wide glass wall, nicely decorated with Tourism Malaysia posters and images.

Kerja punya kerja punya kerja, Nina (bukan nama sebenar) our client who came along with us from Malaysia, Puilin and I felt hungry. Before we went out, we asked the director, En. Akbal (bukan nama sebenar) and a few of his officers whether they wanted to join. Unfortunately they were too busy to even eat, so Nina, Puilin and I proceeded without them. (Mentioning clients' name here although bukan nama sebenar automatically puts me in a formal writing mode. Proceeded?)

So anyway, lepas makan, kami kembali ke office nak siapkan kerja for the day.
I was walking towards to the meeting room when I saw En. Akbal from his room, having a discussion with someone. I looked at him, smiled and just when I thought I had reached the door, I turned and..

BANGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

For a minute there I thought I saw stars everywhere. And when I could see clearly again, I saw Nina and Puilin laughing their asses off. I could see tears coming down on their cheeks.

OH MY GOD DID I JUST RUN INTO THE GLASS WALL?! IN CLIENT'S NEW OFFICE?!! IN FRONT OF EVERYONE??!!! OMG THIS IS BEYOND HORRIFYING! HOW DO I FACE THE CLIENTS AFTER THIS???!! HOW DO I FACE MYSELF?!??!!

But then, I said to myself "This may be the beginning of the ultimate humiliation of my life, but it's not the end of the world. Nasik dah jadi buboq Anis oi... face it je la..."

While rubbing my forehead, I walked to my seat. Nyut-nyut-nyut rasa aih.
As I sat down, I looked at Nina and Puilin, and said, "That's ME launching this office."

See the mark in that circle? Yeah that was me. I hope the mark isn't there anymore!