GOOD CRAP

I was browsing through my hardisk, and found soooo many crap! Good crap, I mean. This is one of it. My chat with an ex-classmate, Eryn. Laughed my ass off when I read this. God I miss her and the rest of the classmates :) 

(She just shared with me lyrics of a song. Masa ni dia tengah dilamun cinta agaknya) 

 

Me: sedapppp

Eryn: hehehhe. nak kasi ko dgr, ko takde earphone

Aku: Lagu sapa tu? Lagu negara uganda ka?

Eryn: vina panduwinata. indon la mangkuk

Me: ooo... aku ingatkan national anthem uganda. pelik gak. cane uganda pandai cakap melayu lak. huhu

Eryn: ko bangang ke bodoh nie

Me: ehehehe. Pelikkan. ko slalu ja kata aku bodoh, bangang, tapi aku tak penah nak kecik ati

Eryn: astaga udang

Me: tapi bile ko bubuh name anak ko xde aura nama aku, aku kecik ati.

Eryn: nasib baik jarak opis ko ngan aku agak jauh. aku sambar kilat motor ko lagik kang. biar tinggal wayar je

Me: moto ade wayar ke?

Eryn: ko seret la wayar tu jenjalan. ade.

Me: wayar kipas opis ko yang ko cucuk kat laptop daus ka? ko pening ke dengan soalan aku ini?

Erynos: huh. aku memang dah penin, ko nak peningkan pun, suke ati ko la. 

Hahaha....! Now is she happily married with 2 kids! 

Time changes everything, but I hope she is still the same, crazy Eryn I know. 

ZAMAN DEGREE

Pada suatu hari, sang rimau berasa sangat boring membuat assignment yang diberikan oleh sang rahim. Lalu sang rimau pun kuar dari habitatnya lalu mencari apa2 jenis sang yang boleh dikacau untuk  menghilangkan kebosanannya itu.

Kira-kira pukul 3 petang macam tu, sang rimau telah sesat lalu ternampak seekor spesis yang panjang ekornye. Sang rimau pun hairan. “Sape lak ni menyemak je kat sini.” bisik sang rimau. Lalu sang rimau pun mendekati makhluk Tuhan yang tak brape seksi itu.

"Ohh berbulu... macam aku jugak.. ,” bisik ati sang rimau apabile melihat makhluk yang berbulu itu. Sang rimau menyembunyikan dirinya di belakang tabir.

Ketika itu makhluk yang berbulu itu sedang membuat sesuatu. "Nampaknye die dah tau aku ade kat blakang tabir ni” bisik sang rimau lagi. Sang rimau bersiap sedia sekiranya makhluk berbulu dan berekor panjang itu menyerangnya. Makhluk itu bergerak, lalu tanpa berfikir panjang lagi, sang rimau menerkam makhluk berbulu dan berekor panjang itu dengan ganas sekali.

"WARRGHHH!!!” sang rimau mengaum. Yang peliknye, tak tekejut pulak si makhluk berbulu dan berekor panjang itu.

Lalu sang rimau pun bertanya, "Nape ko ni? Ape ko buat ni?”

"Aku tengah main SIMS. Jangan kaco aku,” jawab si makhluk yang berbulu dan berekor panjang itu. Lalu sang rimau pun sudah ilang kebosanan dan pulang untuk menghabiskan assignment sang rahim yang akan disubmit esok.

Sekian.

Soalan minggu ini:

1) Apakah nama makhluk berbulu dan berekor panjang di dalam cerpen di atas?

Kejadian di Rumah Terbuka Tourism Malaysia

My bosses and I went to Tourism Malaysia's Raya Open House today at Putrajaya. 
As soon as we stepped into the hall, I put down my handbag and went straight to get some food. Lapaq tahap ketaq kepala lutut. 

So lepaih amik makanan tu, aku pun makan sambil sembang-sembang dengan my client.
Siap ada entertainment lagi... this lady tengah menyanyi lagu Raya. I asked my client who she was, and she said "Orang Tourism jugak ni... yang dancers tu semua orang Tourism jugak." 

Berbakat besaq orang-orang Tourism ni. 
I feel intimidated. 

Tengah aku layan nasik minyak yang boleh tahan sedapnya tu, tiba-tiba dengaq someone menyanyi lagu ni....


Belaian Jiwa!! One of my all-time favourite Malay songs. 
Dalam hati teruih terdetik... "huish! merdu sungguh mamat Tourism ni menyanyi... boleh jatuh cinta!" 
So aku pun sing along sambil mata tertumpu kat pinggan nasik yang dipenuhi nasik, daging cincang and ayam tandoori tu. Tak kira la mulut penuh nasik ka, tandoori ka, aku nak menyanyi gak. I mean come on, who doesn't know this song should just go jump off a bridge. GO NOW! 

Then, habis ja lagu tu, dia sambung menyanyi lagu ni pulak....


Pergh! Rindu Bayangan pulak dah. Lagu ever green is da bomb!
Makin sedap aih aku rasa ayam tandoori ni. 

I turned to my client, "Fuyooo.. lagu best ni! Dah la suara sedap gila!" 

My client smiled and said, "Tu la pasal..."

I continued, "Tak la, ni suara dia sedap gila sebijik macam Jay Jay kot. Memang best. Berbakat besar ni..." 

Then my client gave me a weird look. She said, "Anis, cuba hang tengok betoi-betoi." 

Aku pun tengok la ke arah pentas tu.
Patut la suara macam Jay Jay.......  
DAH MEMANG JAY JAY DOK MENYANYI ANIS OI.....! 

AKU DAN SURAT RASMI

Pada suatu pagi yang hening yang sejuk teketaq-ketaq (my desk is right below the air-con), I was preparing to write an official letter until I remembered that I FORGOT how an official letter looked like. So I thought "ooookkk..." and the first person that popped out of my head was my PA tak bergaji, Azy.

I buzzed her via YM.

Me: Popia! Surat rasmi kan
Azy: yes
Me: nama & alamat kita belah kiri kan? then nama and alamat penerima kat bawah? Lupa dh. hahahaha
Azy: sat... hg nk antaq p gomen ka
Me: PTPTN
Azy: o... sat aku emel contoh.

Tengok betapa efficientnya PA aku?!

Azy: http://kelasbmspm.blogspot.com/2009/06/karangan-format-surat-rasmi.html

Aku (dalam hati) Blog kelab mana la pulak deni bagi kat aku ni...? Kelab Budak-budak Moto ka? Susah hati nak bukak aih. Dengan lafaz Bismillahirrahmanirahim, aku pun click link tersebut. Tudia sekali Kelab Pengakap. Aku ingat nak mintak dia cari blog Pandu Puteri punya sebab dulu aku Pandu Puteri, tapi takot dia bertukaq jadi The Hulk pulak bulan-bulan posa ni. So tak jadi la.

Aku: font kena guna Times New Roman ka?
Azy: Arial / Times New Roman, font size 11 @ 12. size 72 pn elok
Aku: ha 72 ok gak kan? baru tebai sket surat aku. ptptn terima takot nak bukak apa. apa punya tebai.
Azy: 1 ayat tak lepaih kertaih selai.
Aku: NAMA aku pun tak lepaih aih. sikit punya panjang ka nama. nama, alamat aku ja, 4 lai. last2, depa nanti stamp: TIDAK DILULUSKAN. PEMOHON SAKET OTAK.
Azy: hahaahah
Aku: NINDIA. Nak taip TUAN, p taip TUNA. Nasib baik perasan, kalau dak, dapat pulak stamp lagi satu: TIDAK DILULUSKAN. PEMOHON KORANG AJAQ.
Azy: style OKU punya.

Nak tulis surat rasmi pun sempat lagi reka cerita rakyat.
Saja buat ramai!

KEJADIAN DI STARBUCKS MASALAM

My daily Ramadan routine on a weekday is get back from work, buy food for iftar, solat Maghrib, and head straight to Masjid Sultan Salahudin Abdul Aziz Shah. I'm just in love with this mosque. If you guys have the chance, come perform tarawih here.

Masa remaja-remaja dulu, rajin la pakai baju kurung, pakai tudung lawa-lawa, bawak telekung and only pakai telekung once masuk masjid.

Lani?

Long sleeve t-shirt, track bottom, and teruih serelom telekung siap-siap. Habis cerita. Selesa pun selesa. Kalau pakai elok-elok pun bukan ada orang nak mai masuk meminang. *emo*

So yeah, that is my daily routine and daily outfit to the mosque so far since Ramadan started.

But tonight..... was a little bit special.

I realised that it has been 4 days since I had coffee! That is like, a big crime for coffee drinkers.
So, I was determined to get my usual Venti Iced Vanilla Latte at Starbucks Plaza Shah Alam, also known as Masalam for short.

After performing tarawih, I headed to my car, which was parked quite far away from the mosque, and I actually sesat. Menghala ke jalan lain. Aku salahkan mamat comel yang berjubah dan berkopiah di perkarangan masjid tadi. Nampak dia teruih telupa park keta kat mana.... hmmmm...

Anyways, lepaih dah jumpa Kenderaan Pendek aku, I went in, and I put on my bibik Myanmar tudung. It's the easiest tudung I have. How do I make you gentlemen understand how easy it is... Oh! It's like a clip-on tie. Except that this one is a tudung, so you don't wrap it around your neck, you put it on your head. Got it? Great!

So I hid under my telekung and put on the clip-on-bibik-Myanmar tudung. Tadaaa! Siap!

Excitedly, I drove. I think I was smiling all the way to Starbucks. Yeah, that's how excited I was to get my coffee.

I finally arrived. I went out of the car, in my clip-on, bibik Myanmar tudung, my lame long sleeve t-shirt, my nineteen ringgit track bottom and selipar.

Berjalan dengan lajunya, tak tengok kiri kanan, I entered Starbucks. "Ahhhh...." aku menghirup udara tak brapa segar tapi bau coffee yang sedap dalam Starbucks tersebut. Lepaih ordered my coffee, I waited kat tepi counter tu.

I didn't bring my phone, so I was kinda mati kutu nak buat apa sambil menunggu tu. Dah la tengah low self-esteem sebab berpakaian tak menepati cita rasa sendiri. But then I thought... whatever. Bukannya nak terjumpa siapapun. Nak quickly get coffee ja pun.

Tiba-tiba, aku tertengok kat luar and I couldn't believe my eyes. Wait... this can't be possible...!

ANUAR ZAIN?
ANUAR ZAIN??!!
ANUAR ZAIN!!!!!!!

OMG YES! Anuar Zain was there, having coffee and lepaking with his friends, looking all handsome and perfect!

My oh my... I used to have a crush on this guy. But that was a long time ago, before I found out Ryan Gosling exists. But still, after seeing him before my eyes, tiba-tiba rasa ada crush balik kat dia. (Don't worry, Ryan. You're still number 2 on my list.) 
 
Kalau diikutkan hati, nak ja aku pi kat dia and kata,"Haish... Anuar Zain oh Anuar Zain... Masa aku pakai elok-elok, pakai kasut tinggi lima belaih inci, bubuh bedak banyak-banyak, tonyoh blusher sampai merah mcm bijik saga, di mana hang? Di mana?! DI MANA??!! Masa aku pakai tudung keramat ni jugak la hang muncui. Ha elok, elok... Elok sangat! Lani kita putuih!"

Akibat takut di ban daripada pi Starbucks tu lagi, aku memutuskan untuk tidak menurutkan hati dan perasaan, lalu beredar dengan sopannya dari Starbucks tersebut.

The End.

AMAZING DISCOVERY ABOUT MYSELF

Today I discovered something that I never knew about myself.
Something quite amazing, that can rarely be found in anyone else.

It happened when Kak Lina and I were on our way to this one launch event at KLCC.
We were at Jalan Ipoh. You know, the all-the-time-packed road. 

I was speeding at 30km/h when I had to stop at the traffic light. (I think the word "speed" is offended by the way I'm using it in this context but whatever. I do feel like offending the word "speed" today, so whatever. Do I look like I care, "speed"?!)

Anyway, back to the amazing discovery about myself.
There was a woman waiting to cross the street. So I stopped the car before her.

She hesitated, not sure what to do. So she just stood there.

And then... I raised my hand, and waved it to the side. My oh my... SHE MOVED! She walked and crossed the street!

That's when I discovered that I have the ability to make people before me cross the street by using my hand! It's like magic. Uh huh. 
 
It was the most awesome moment today.

The End.

"BECAKAP BUKAN MAIN PANDAI!"

Last week I went back to Penang with Aunty Bayah and her family. 
We, of course, melawat Dhoby Ghaut. A place where I grew up. The best place in the world. 

So jumpala relatives yang dah berbulan-bulan tak jumpa.. 

It's amazing how fast children grow up. Aku tengok anak Abg Ril, Hidayah and Adiba. Dua-dua orang dah in primary school now. Akmal, Syafiq cucu Mak Nah, semua dah nampak lain. Dulu aku la dok mengajaq budak-budak ni mengaji kat rumah mak tok. Kena marah sebab asyik la dok besembang kalah pompuan. Meneraih tak mau.  

No wonder orang-orang tua dulu bila dah lama tak tengok aku nanti dok kata "dah besaq dah! dulu dok nampak la dia bejalan pi masjid dengan bedak betampung." NOW I understand why they said that every time they saw me.

Bila aku tengok Hidayah (anak sulung Abg Ril and Kak Nora), teringat masa dia umoq 5 tahun dulu. She was so cute. So bijak becakap. You know how kids nowadays bijak bila becakap, right? Whatever that comes out from their mouth is unpredictable. So Dayah ni was that kind of kid.  

I was still studying when she was 5. So during this one semester break, I went back to Dhoby Ghaut. I would hang out with her and her sister Adiba. Saja main-main, layan sembang dengan depa. So pada suatu petang yang hening... aku bejalan ke rumah Abg Ril (which is just next to mak tok's house). 

Bila aku masuk, aku dengaq Dayah dok menangeh terok. 
Aku jalan masuk lagi ke dapoq, and tengok Kak Nora (her mom) dok bagi mandi dia sambil dok beletiaq. Dayah kept on crying. Teresak-esak sampai sedu la kira. 

"Laaa... awat Dayah nangeh sayang?" aku pun bertanya. 

"Ha, bagitau la kat Kak Anis pasai pa dok menangeh! Bagitau cepat!" Kak Nora trigger dia. 

Dia tengok aku dengan muka mintak simpati. Merah mata-mata punya menangeh campoq ayaq masuk dalam mata mak dia dok juruih ayaq ataih kepala. 

"Bagitau la cepat!" Kak Nora sambung marah. 

Dayah sambung menangeh. Isk... kesian aih aku tengok. Silap-silap aku yang join Dayah menangeh ni. 

"Awat Kak Nora?" aku tanya. 

"Ni Anis..." Kak Nora mula bercerita sambil tunjuk-tunjuk kat mulut Dayah.."mulut ni... mulut ni... cakap bukan main punya pandai! Menjawab kita cakap apa semua bukan main lagi. KENCING tak mau habaq!"

Aku renggah gelak kat depan toilet. Yes, at that time Kak Nora was potty training her.
"La.... dia kencing kat mana??" I said, digging for more info. 

"Tu kat depan tu. Kat area Abg Ril dok buat keja tu dia pi kencing," Kak Nora cakap, sambil jari tunjuk kat depan. Dayah diam ja dok dengaq mak dia bercerita al-kisah dia. 

"Isk isk.. Lain kali Dayah nak kencing, Dayah habaq la kat mama, ok? Kesian mama nak kena cuci semua nanti.." aku cakap dengan lemah gemalai kat dia. 

Kak Nora jirus ayaq kat badan dia, "Ni, lepaih ni, amik mop, pi mop pi cuci kat depan tu! Mama takdak nak buat. Dayah kencing, Dayah basuh sendiri!" 

Dalam menangeh tersedu-sedu tu, she turned to her mom and asked, "Mana mop?" 

"Tudia mop!" Kak Nora cakap sambil tunjuk kat mop. Mop tu dok tergantung kat dinding pancoq tu. 

Dayah kalih tengok mop yang tergantung tinggi tu, lalu berkata..."tak sampai nak ambik." 

Dengan Kak Nora, dengan aku skali renggah gelak kat situ. 
Nak marah semua tak jadi. Isk.. Dayah... Dayah...

Come to think about it, I didn't have the chance to ask arwah mak tok how did she potty train me. Aku dok gelak kat Dayah, ntah-ntah aku lagi terok daripada dia. 

Dia kencing kat area bapak dia buat keja. Ntah-ntah, aku pi kencing kat area pokok bunga jejarum mak tok. Tu yang suboq elok ja pokok bunga tu dulu.